Look at my another blog guys

It was my birthday last month (18).....
And I should be probably worrying about school,friends,boys and stuff..So why am I so obsess with how much I weigh or what body shape do I have. Ican say I'm recoved from anorexia (thanks god) but anyways,I think there will be always part of me,that will wish to be as skinny as I used to...
Sometimes I really miss the body I had...But I don't miss how much I hated myself,and I don't miss the fact I didn't eat anything....I also don't miss the tiredness...and those inner voices...
I'm actally glad I'm recovered...But those pics with happy healthy people who looks like greek gods and goddess don't make me really happy,because I'm trying really hard to look like them,but I think I can't do it....Nothing works on me,

I tried lot of things,and I still do.....I workout 6x per week,I eat heathly and enough,so my body is not tired anymore,but I can't see any muscles..I know they are somewhere there,I just can't see it thru the fat I do have on my belly...But everybody says I look fine.....But,do you know the feeling when somebody is telling you you are okay,fine,you look great,and another bullshit,but you still feel like the ugliest person ever? I do....

I still have those days when I feel okay with my body,and then those days when I do not....
My parents what the best for me,so they are buying me all the food I want to eat (sometimes it really expensive,and I feel embaressed...) Why can't I be the old good me,before all my life started to be hell?

I swear it is better now,and I'm really glad I'm not so skinny anymore but,I'm sad a little that I can't have body I want...Everything was hard for me exspecially the last school year...Now it is better a little but I still have some problems,and plus I do some healthy problems with my stomach and digestive tract, and gall-bladder oh and liver,so I'm pretty screwed up....There are lots of problems I have but those are some of the bigiest one.....

I gained a little more weight,and the reason is maybe the fact I have those problems,but I can say I'm starting to feel comfortable in my own skin,and I didnt felt like this for such a long time....


I have no idea why I wrote this...I just needed to let it out....http://thesegreeneyesofminee.blogspot.sk/

So I would really want to say you how good I look,how healthy I'm. How many friends I have. And how I'm dating a perfect boy,but I don't want to be the one who is lying you. So I will say the truth,and this is the truth.
I can't say I was't happy. I was,even without "happy pill"
But I think everything went bad when this one teacher started to teach us.
I felt there is something wrong with him (you know that feeling when you are looking at person and you know he is pure evil) But I tried to be "friendly" but he is stupid son of bitch and he hates me (I know it because he told me so.) He is about 35 years old and arrogant,and lofty,and he thinks he knows everything better than we do,and he like to haze us,he lies to tell us things and then scream at us how useless we are. Bu wait,he likes everyone except me and one other girl. Oh I would love to kill he so much I want to see him in pain.
I'm not the kind of person who wish just the worst for others,but if you could see himyou would want to kill him too. And,oh one end of the last school year he was in commission of the teacher who graded ours final works and he told me he didn't think I would made it to the next year,and he told me I'm not good enough. Like okay,he can think whatever he want about be. But why the fuck he had to tell me that. He knew I'm depressed,he knew I'm anorextic. And he had balls to told me this? Who the fuck he think he is?
I really how he won't teach me this year.

And whne school was over I felt like all the pressure just went away. I felt good,free.
But as soone as the holiday came just that soone is went away,and I had few last free days till hell will start again,and to be honest I'm really afrad,becasue I wanted to change myself during the holiday. But someting went wrong and I don't know what it is. Everything I'm sure about it I'm getting bad again.

So I noticed I'm starting to be depressed again...It all started few weeks ago,but it wasn't so strong as it is now.
I will be a week now,and I'm spending most of time in my room,I listen to sad songs,cry,I workout a lot more (I can't see any diferents) And I do not eat,or I eat more than I should,I hate myslef again. I'm scated to go bac to school again. And the voice from my head stared  talk to me again.

I really don't know what to do,because if I told my parents they would say it is just because of school. But I know the fear of school and fear of myself,fear of food,fear of anxiety,fear of being depressed. I know how it feels.

But yea,I'm afrad of school,of course I do.I'm afraid of that teacher,I'm afraid of girls from my school,beacuse they are all rich,and pretty,and the are popular,they got everything they want,and I'm just my,little shy ugly fat girl,who don't have any friends and everyone think she doesn't have feelings. So they can say what they want and she won't feel bad about herself,becasue she is sure used on the thngs like thar. But the don't realise that those words really hurt me and I'm person to,I'm breathing too,just like them.....


I wish I could have special school program,that means I could study from home,and I would go the school just few times,for tests,and grades and sfuff like that. That would be great,but I would have some healthy problems.

But I don't want to talk about school.
I'm afraid I could have overeating or buliamia problems this time. Because I noticed that time to time I eat a lot and I can't stop,and then I do lot of workout like HIIT,or cardio,or kickboxing to burn it out. Like today I ate almost full bread today,at the morning,and since then I didn't eat anything and I workedout for about 3 hours.... I told it to my mom and she said I'm not eating that much,but I think she is wrong I do eat tat much,I atethe whole cake yesterday,I ate all the cookies we had,and I ate one glass of marmalade... And I think that is fucking too much. And things like this started to happening few weeks ago....
I'm frustrated....

I really think it is overeating or buliamia,even the test for eating disorders  I did few time said I may have bulimia or overeating. So why my mom thinks it is normal to eat this much? I have never ate like this even before all te anorexia thing started,I was overweight of course but I never ate like that.....

I need help and I need it now.

hey hey everyone I'm back.

So, It was a long time since I was here for a last time. And a lot of things have changed since that. And if you want you can also read my second blog where I'm and probably wil be more active.
http://thesegreeneyesofminee.blogspot.sk/
I just wanted to said. My recovery went good. I reached the healthy weight. But I'm recoved just physically. But mentally it is on the same way as it used to be. But I was full recovered,and all this mentally thing started 2.3weeks ago,And I'm afraid I'm going back to the time where I used to be.

I HAVE TO WORK MY FUCKING FAT ASS OFF!!!

I have to become skinny again,I want to feel my bones,I felt so much more comfortable when I was on my lowest weight,I was happy (okay that is a lie,but anyways i was happier than I'm now)
I have those fat thighs again,and a fat rolls all over my body,i just want to have everythig like it was a week before,when i did't have to gain weight!

I really want these bodies! I need to be like this,they are PERFECT!

HATE HATE HATE

You have no idea how much i hate myself right now

Some facts about me

Kedže už čítate tie moje keci,tak chcem aby ste vedeli niečo aj o mne,takže pár faktov o mojom živote.

So you are reading my blog,you are reading my thoughts and my secrets,I decided to write some facts about my life.

Such a beautiful day

Dnes ráno som vstala s úsmevom na perách (žeby tie tabletky zaberali) Dúfam že dnes mi nikto môj deň nepokazí,tak dobre želám vám krásny deň,snáď prispejem nejakým zmysluplným článkom.

Today I woke up with big smile on my face (hmm pills are working pretty fast)

I hope nobody will ruin my life. Okay,so have a beautiful day,I will try to write something today.

Changed name of the blog

Takže som sa rozhodla zmeniť názov blogu z perks of being a vegetarian,na recovering ella pretože to je to čo práve teraz robím,snažím sa dostať z tohto kruhu,snažím sa vyzdravieť,a začať nový život,znova si užívať jedlo,byť šťastná,zdravá,a hlavne musím pribrať (vlastne už som pribrala asi 0.4kg, pre vás to asi nie je to veľa ale pre mňa je!).Beriem to asi takto,čím skôr priberiem, tým skôr sa budem môcť vrátiť k cvičeniu,pretože momentálne mám zakázané cvičiť,a to ma ničí.

So,I decided to change name of the blog from perks of being a vegetarian to recovering ella,because this is what I'm doing,I'm trying to recover,I want to recover.I want to start new life,I want to enjoy food again,be happy again,healthy again.And most of all I have to gain weight (I gained 0.4 kg actually,I know it could mean nothing to you,but for me it is a lot) But I'm trying to say is the fact that I have to recover,cause as sooner I gain weight, as sooner i will be allow to do exercises. Because I can't work out for now.

Writing in english!

Takže o tomto som dlho premýšlala,a po dnešnom anonymonom komentáre som sa rozhodla,písať články v angličtine,aj keď v nej nie som veľmi dobrá,baví ma viac ako slovenčina.

So I was thinking about this for really long times,and I decided after todays anonymous comment,I will write just in english,even though I'm not very good in spelling,but I do love english! More than slovak,so for english speaking people I'm sorry for my terrible english...I hope you will know what I'm trying to say.