Well I don't know what I want or what I want to be anymore,.
And to be honest I didn't think I would made it and end this semester,but hey, I'm here and I 'll graduate next year, and I'm like....I'm 18 and there are still things I've not done yet... And it's summer again and I'm starting to be depressed again I don't really know why,but,I feel broken....
Since that surgery lot of things happened......
I'm not saying I'm giving up, I just, it would be nice to have some kind of rest of your life,like you know just take you packpack,money and just travel around the world,meet new people, make new memories and friends, I would be so happy if I could forget just for second about my life, Just really live my life and enjoy it, not just asking myself if I should get out of the bed today...
My life is boring,and there is no way i could make it better, no reallly I tried, oh how many times I tried (worthless)
And still there are people all aorund the world in my age and they just have fun, make new friends.
I'm here in my room listeing to sad music and thinking about what I'm doing with my life.
I will graduate next year and I still have no idea what I should do, where I should work.
Everything is so stressful.
When I was little I couldn't way to be this age,because I thought it would be cool, but I think my young myself wouldn't be happy with me.
I always wanted to be like my sister, I adored her, she was my idol, like she was one of those popular pretty girls every boy want. And my parents alwas say I should be more like her,
But I hate it when they say it,I feel like I'm not good enough (more then usual) when they say it, it really hurts, and I tried to tell them, but they don't care.
I will never be like her, I'm not popular I do not know if I have a best firend, I just know few people I talk to, but I don't know if I can call them my friends,and boys do not look at me, nobody cares about me, that is why I do not talk to people,that is why I rather spending my time watching tv show,or on internet, people here are nice to me.
That is why I would rather stay in my room whole day then go to shopping mall or to the city, becasue all those people, it is scaring me, their looks, their eyes on me, I do not feel confortable.
When I see a girl and I know she is prettier of funnier, or just better than me, I get panic attack and anxiety and I just want to run away and sceam and cry,but well I have to pretend like everything is okay.
And I also know there is not big chance I would find somebody who would really like me, like I know life is not a romantic movie, where the hansome guy fall in love with that non popular girl, and they just stay together, I know life is not like this, but God I wish it could be, it would be like the first good thing in my life.
I get this imagine in my life of a boy who trully love me, it is stupid ,because I don't believe someone like that can exist....
I'm 18 and I have not have any relationship, or just a kiss... I'm 18 and I didn't do anything in my life. When somebody ask me what I do for fun, I'm thinking about the answer, because my life is not funny,and I do not do anything for fun, I try to survive day by day.......
